SURFACE LEVEL

I wanted to call you today. Because I miss the melodic rhythm of your voice in my ears. To say that the sound of your voice softens my shoulders. That I enjoy watching the proud glimmer in your eyes when you make me laugh.. that look that says you recognize yourself in my joy.

I wanted to send you a selfie without filters. Because you asked me to never edit myself. At midday on a Monday so you can smile like you just remembered the lyrics of a lost song. And for a moment I felt safe enough to. I really did, for a fleeting moment.

I wanted to share that quiet intimacy of knowing each other. Outside of desire. In the comfort of ordinary days, and random texts. Of sitting with each other where words are not measured.

I wanted to meet you in the depths.To ask about the things that don’t fit neatly into casual conversation. To linger in the spaces between your words, where our souls speak each others language.

I wanted to finish writing this ode to you. But that’s too risky, ain’t it? Nonchalance is in fashion, innit?

Forgiveness

Forgiving is pretty easy.

To easily let go of pain and hurt,

Because you see the human behind the offence, and

Want them to have the dignity that comes with being pardoned.

However... being betrayed reveals that forgiveness isn't the end.

That there is a hell lying in wait, ready to consume this innocent soul,

To tear apart at the pieces you strain to hold together,

And the sweet embrace of nightmares consoles like fantasies. 

Every broken piece of your heart becomes like a broken mirror.

Now you see too many unclear images, a jumbled up reflection.

Trusting seems like the foreplay to more pain.

Interacting with love has shown you that:

    This your heart cannot bear every weight it claims,

    Your nine hearts would shatter into million fissures,

    A chaotic canvas of storms weathered.

This Nairobi love has shown you that:

    Forgiveness is not a magic spell that mends all wounds,

    It neither erases the scars nor rewinds the clock,

    It's a fragile bridge dangling over currents of doubt.

This is how it ends

This is how it ends
With me acting like I don't care that you are leaving
Saying that you are not worth fighting for
Reminding myself that this didn't mean much

We were never really a couple anyway, were we?

This is how it ends

With me laughing at the intensity of the flame we shared

At the promises of eternal love you swore while in the throes of passion

At the futile efforts I made to rekindle our dying flame

We were not really committed anyway, were we?

This is how it ends

With me forgetting the taste of your flavoured kisses 

feigning amnesia on the dates you routinely cancelled

And the texts you routinely forgot to answer

We were never more than 'jus talking', were we?

This is how it ends

With me refusing to cry over the promises left unfulfilled

And the climaxes yet unreached

You didn't just rip my heart apart anyway, did you?
Because we were never really a 'we', were we?